Why I Struggled to Get to the Point?
3 reasons why people answer the wrong question in verbal discussions
Do you get puzzled looks or follow-up questions that indicate you've missed the point? Responding with the wrong answer or going off on a tangent can frustrate you and your audience.
I used to face this a lot and still do sometimes. I would get impulsive in conversations and respond with something completely unrelated.
Today, I will share three reasons why I fall into this trap and what I do to avoid them.
🚫 1. Cutting people off
I had this terrible habit of completing people's thoughts for them. I would even rush to respond before they finished asking their question. It happened because
I was immature and more focused on sharing my thoughts than being interested in what others had to share.
I hadn’t yet gotten the feedback that I didn’t listen.
Of course, I ended up answering the wrong question.
How I manage it
Active listening: I focus on what the other person has to share. I block my train of thought as much as I can. That allows me to understand what they are saying.
Mindful pausing: I pause one breath after the other person has finished asking their question. This intentional break ensures that I do not cut them off.
💭 2. Biased by my thoughts
During conversations, I would zone out into my thoughts. For example, when discussing a design proposal, I might think about why solution Y is difficult. If I got asked why we chose solution X, I would talk about the difficulty of solution Y even when the other didn’t bring it up. This was the hardest one to manage, and I still struggle with it.
How I manage it
Repeating the question: In addition to active listening, I would repeat the question out loud. That helps me decouple any biasing thoughts and focus on the real question.
Understanding their intent: Clarifying the question and knowing why they ask helps me provide a more accurate and relevant response.
🛡️ 3. Defending prematurely
Certain trigger statements may catch me off guard and evoke a strong emotional response. This can make me defensive even when they don’t mean bad. I would go on a tangent in such situations, upsetting the other person.
How I manage it
Deep breath: When I feel defensive, I take a deep breath and find my inner peace.
Assume good intent: Not all engineers are great at expressing disagreement. So, when someone makes a triggering statement, I try to find out their underlying point and ask clarifying questions.
Parting Note
Failing to get to the point isn't just about misunderstanding the question; it's often about how we process and respond to what we're asked. By listening fully, avoiding assumptions, and managing defensiveness, you can improve your communication and ensure your responses are on point.
Like any other skill, this takes practice. Let me know how these tips work for you.
🎤 Shoutout
My process for writing this newsletter by
When is the Right Time to Quit? by
How I plan my week as a Senior Engineer in Big Tech by
If you enjoyed this article, then hit the ❤️ button. It helps!
If you think someone else will benefit from this, then make sure to 🔁 share this post.
So, Are we getting in our own way?
Really like how you have "How I manage it" bullet points for each reason.
I think everybody does this, at some point or another, but us engineers are especially guilty of it. I know I used to and have seen many colleagues do it as well.
Whether being an introvert or simple inexperience, we can do with more tips like the ones in your article Raviraj, thanks.
Great article and callouts, Raviraj!
I resonate the most with assuming good intent:
> Assume good intent: Not all engineers are great at expressing disagreement. So, when someone makes a triggering statement, I try to find out their underlying point and ask clarifying questions.
Thank you a bunch for the mention on my weekly planning template article!
https://read.highgrowthengineer.com/p/how-i-plan-my-week-as-a-senior-engineer